Write My Cries

I cried one at night

I cried waking up

Praying loud to God

To help me stand up

or just end my life

All i see is black

For there is no love

I could think of mom

my last straw to life

but were miles apart

Alone in the dark

with my thoughts & mind

so i write it up

my way to survive

I am a Christian

might be in the light

but my sight is blind

or mind filled with clouds

Keep moving forward

says my little heart

Just please write it up

a way to survive

says my little heart

~ M. S

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Words Unspoken

Have you ever wanted to speak your mind?

but you ended up staring in the sky

and lose oneself because words are not found

I could totally understand and relate in some ways

there must be some reason God erased the thoughts in our head

Im hoping God also erased the feelings of depressed

If I look closely and act as a judge

The person who is at fault is just me

The person who is truly blind is me

Every night I fell asleep at 3am

I just try to write my feelings on my bed

black, white, smileys, chocolate, doodles, scribbles

It is a never ending cycle everyday

breakfast, lunch, dinner and it would still be the same

So I just try to write my feelings on my bed

black, smileys, doodles, scribbles, and words unspoken

We Dance

You offered me your hand to dance
I can’t help but look at your beautiful smile
I gave you my hand and we dance
We dance all night, all the time
I could only see us and the time don’t mind
We locked eyes, just us
We moved slow sweet with elegance
You spin me round and round
I couldn’t help but smile
This dance made me feel a fleeting love
Beautiful, wonderful, but fleeting love
I thought I could stay forever in your arms
The song will end and I hope you play a new one

Thoughts: The Goal is not To be Kind

People often think that being kind should be one’s life mission. After reading many books and the bible, I have learnt that the goal is not to be kind. What I mean by this, kindness should just come out naturally like it’s part of your genes. Some people try hard to be kind and it’s not really being kind; It’s called being fake and dishonest. Some people say fake it until you make it, but not with kindness though. It doesn’t work that way. Based on my experience, trying hard to be kind resulted into making me angry, bitter, depressed, and always expecting a return from others. I kind of expected gratitude. Since, I’m trying so hard to be kind I expect the same thing but in reality, that’s not how it works. However, I have learned to rely on Jesus and always fix my eyes on him because knowing Jesus makes me lose sight of looking into other people that are flawed just like me but looking to Jesus makes me more compassion and understanding which results to kindness to other people without expecting any returns. Looking to Jesus fixes my eyes to see Love and peace in this messy world. I’ve learnt that the goal is to always look to Jesus.

Thoughts: Elijah Underneath The Juniper Tree

~ 1 Kings 19:1-9

I have been thinking about Elijah’s story. Elijah has been one of my favourite prophets because of his accomplishments. The most exciting story about Elijah is his showdown with the prophets of a false god which in result God in heaven was glorified through Elijah (Elijah won). I’ve been reading many accomplishments in the Bible but I haven’t really notice the period of depression some have gone through (Except for the life of Job, I’ve read his story a million times) because I realise that sometimes I have always viewed prophets, apostles, or biblical people as unstoppable, fearless, courageous, bold, or sometimes perfect – I think that’s the problem with just seeing what my eyes think is positive, it conceals the mind from hard truths which can be positive in a way. With hardships I face everyday, this is one of the most eye opening stories I’ve encountered and it actually made my faith more mature than ever.

In the story, Elijah flees and ran away from wicked people to save his life. As he left, he soon had a journey in the wilderness. He went through a broom bush (juniper tree) and he sat down underneath it and prayed to God to take his life away and he fell asleep. Then an angel said to Elijah to get up and eat because the journey is too much for him. Then food was provided for Elijah; and he ate and drank and lay down again. For the second time the angel came back and told Elijah to get up and eat for the journey is too much for him. Once Elijah was strengthened, he recovered and went on to his journey again.

The story is simple, but I know there’s a reason why I stumbled upon his story. I learned that time, company, honesty with oneself can really help me, you, and people recover. I also learned that a journey can be really too much and people can be really limited. It took some time for Elijah to actually get better. There are also some factors why his sadness was magnified and maybe it’s because of hunger, exhaustion, fears, and pressures of his mission. Another thing, I really liked that this story is in the Bible and it really did highlight how God will always accompany us when the journey is too much.

If you find yourself sitting underneath the tree, it’s okay to rest – cry, sleep, lay down, or even pray. It’s time to be honest with oneself and with God. Destroy the idea that crying out is negative or bad. Crying gives relief and releases emotions that cleanses are minds and soul. End the thinking that crying must be stopped. Remember that people are limited; remember that Elijah did find himself sitting underneath the tree too; But, never forget to remember that God accompanied him and strengthened him.

 

Rest forever, The End

Trying to reflect,
I looked at myself
I see struggle
I see pain
I just can’t help
but notice darkness
So I remain silent
I want to share
all my secrets
It is twisted
It is from hell
So i just accepted
that the attempt
to share
Won’t just happen
So I observe
So I wait
Pain’s bigger
Struggle’s harder
Im now in chains
I’ve fallen
into the deepest
part of well
I want help
What is sane?
What is the answer?
In my death
would I be replaced?
I guess
I just need rest
to rest forever
the end
I am now
seeing silhouette
and sunset
is this heaven?
Watching the end
of skies and water
I just want to stay
Experience a moment
where darkness
just faded
out of nowhere
Rest forever,
The end

~ M. Salonga